Welcome Back And Series Focus

Donald E Coleman 0:21

Okay, welcome back. And I'm excited that we are back here again. And remember, in the last session, we are pretty much getting close to closing down. Not closing down, but finalizing the last couple of lessons in this series. And we're talking about now living a ga pow in the dailiness of life. And in the last episode, we talked about two important areas, right? Agapo and marriage. What did you think about that? Some pretty interesting stuff. And then we talked about, before that, we talked about a ga pow showing up at work. And today, in this episode, we're going to try to hit on two main points here: a ga pow and parenting. And for all of you that are not parents, I still want you to stay tuned in on this one because I think if you listen to this episode, you're going to find out how and why grace is always working. Because there are things that happened that our parents did to us and their parents did to them, and their parents did to their parents, that just keeps going down cycle. And by listening to this, hopefully, I think you're going to get something that might be an invitation to see if it stops with you. Because that's the most important thing here is the word of God is here to allow us to be able to apply it to our lives. The GAPOW is to be applied. First, we get filled with it, and then it flows out. Why is it flowing out? Because it is the love of God, the unconditional love of God, that causes lives to be transformed. Nothing else. Everything else is modification. So let's jump

Why Parenting Is The Urgent Test

Donald E Coleman 2:22

in. So a God and parenting. And here's the thing: there is perhaps one urgent application in this framework, then parenting. Because the way, the way a parent loves a child, the root from which that love flows, the quality it carries, the message it embeds, will become the architect of that child's own understanding of love, whether love is earned or whether love is given. Let me say this again. Because the way a parent loves a child, the root from which that love flows, the quality it carries, the message it embeds, will become the architect or the seed of what the child's own personal understanding of whether love is earned or given.

The Protective Self Forms In Childhood

Donald E Coleman 3:57

And here's what I want you to remember because remember when I talked about the protective self, I said the protective self is not chosen. And I know I'm messing people up because we we think about it, the protective self is formed. We, each one of us, created, developed this protective self that we carry around with us, but it's formed carefully over time. And how is it formed? It's formed to allow us to be able to survive and be protected in the environments in which we were born into. From a cultural perspective, from a family perspective, all of that goes into how we show up. And a lot of times we don't even realize it because as children, we were being formed. Our environments were speaking to us when we couldn't talk. And what we don't, what we didn't know was is those environments were speaking to us and we were responding in the way that we showed up as babies, as children from zero, coming out of the womb to seven or eight is the most informative years of our lives. And really grabbing a hold of that because if I'm a parent and I'm operating in my protective self and don't realize it, and I start imposing my protective self onto my children, not knowing, then what's going to happen? Their protective self is going to become developed and it's going to recognize oh, I don't like the way mommy's doing this. So now I need to put something in play or something there to protect me from when mom or dad does this or when the environment does this. I need to make sure that I'm good. And in most cases, the first thing we notice is, well, the baby cries. Well, why is the baby crying? Oh, the baby's hungry. Oh, yeah, well, the baby's wet. Yeah, well, we see that as being normal, but they're crying because they don't want to be hungry. They don't want to be wet. So the way that they cry is to get our attention. Notice they're experiencing something. And next thing you know, they do something to get our attention. And as a result of getting the attention, our attention, what happens? So if the baby cries and the parent comes over and then picks the baby up and starts to love the baby and bring the baby close to the chest, then that baby starts to realize hey, if I cry, I might get this again. Or another case, the baby cries and person comes over and says, Oh, let me check your diaper. Diaper's wet, then they just change the diaper and leave the baby there. Oh, if that happens, then maybe I'll cry more and see if I can get this or another feeling. And I want you to see this. These are little subtle things that that's going on inside of the child's brain, in child inside of the child's psyche. Because the parent who loves from the protective self without intending to transmits those conditions to the next generation. Oh, I want you to please hear this. This is God working right now, right now for us. And here's the key. I'm gonna read it again, I'm gonna say something, and then I'm gonna go back again because they're passing it on to the next generation, and it's not from cruelty. And this is what the Bible calls generational curses, or passing what the father sins to the sons. I'm letting this settle because I'm gonna read it one more time. The parent who loves from the protective self without intending, without attending to, transmits or puts those things on, those conditions to the next generation, not from cruelty, but from formation, from patterns embedded in them before they had language for what was happening. And this

Divine Love That Pursues Every Generation

Donald E Coleman 9:01

is why the four movements of divine love is so powerful, it's so life-changing. For when we understand that the source of all life is agape, the uncreated love of God. And now, why did I say uncreated? Because God is uncreated. God was here from the beginning. God is not created, and therefore, if this love is flowing out of God, it is uncreated. It is it is who God is, and God is love, and therefore, love is what gathers and what sustains the world, and what sustains us as a people, not hate, not discourse. Those are things that draw us apart, and why agape is so powerful is because love never fails. And here's what is of the utmost importance to understand about how I can connect everything that I just said. Agape was always pursuing your mother and your father. Agape was also always pursuing their parents, their mother and their father, or your grandmother and your grandfather. And agape was always pursuing your great-grandmother and great-grandfather. It's always there, agape, through every generation, through every person that has ever been born, has been consistently pursuing us and inviting us into the second movement of divine love, which is our identity as the agapitos or the beloved of God. We are God's beloved, God loves us, God so love the world. I want you to grab a hold of this. Nothing that you can do can take away your identity in God. It's done, it's settled for eternity. Knowing this changes everything. And here's the key: you get to the place of knowing it, agapitos. And through the next movement, which is what I'm calling agapitan, to that forming and that shaping, we go from knowing to embodying this. And once we're able to embody our belovedness, and what is part of the things of knowing about embodying agapitos? Well, first of all, people's opinion of you won't matter because you know before anything that God loves you. And if the creator of the universe loves you or loves me, then nothing else can take that away. It is the highest form of love that could ever be done. Nothing a parent can do can erase the love of God over you or me. So opinions don't matter. And then you start to realize what I do does not affect my belovedness in God. It becomes a vehicle or a vessel for God to use me as the vessel to fill for that belovedness to now begin to flow out. So the first thing is you get to this place, and when I say that you don't, you're not affected by it, someone else's opinion. I because it's easy for us to repress and suppress things, but I'm saying that you have a peace that the Bible says that passes all of your understanding and it guards your heart in Christ Jesus. You don't seek it out, it's just there. That's because the love of God is now embodied. And when you first become aware of it, you might be forcing it, and God just continues walking with you, forming and shaping that you begin to know or live from the place of knowing. And then the last place that we have is this is it. This is it, this is the key. This is what agapau. It's the filling to the brim of allowing God's presence to be filled in you to the brim, allowing your attention to remain present with God in all things. When you're at work, when you're driving your car, when you're in the gym working out, when you're talking to a coworker or yelling at a coworker, it's still there, or having an argument or a disagreement. God is still present. And knowing that when you're filled to the brim and you allow it to flow out, God can change the circumstance. Why? Because it's not you flowing anymore, it's the very essence and the energy of God flowing out of you. But I want you to totally get this understanding because the key to this is the last thing I said, it says, from patterns embedded in them before they had language for what was happening. And this is why the formation journey that we've been describing, which is what I've been talking about, is not only personally healing, it is generationally transformative. The parent who does the work of kinosis, who keeps returning regularly to their agapitos, to their belovedness, who is being formed by agapitan. That parent becomes for their child the first human voice that speaks belovedness without condition, speaks that they are beloved without condition. I just want you to know this. Yes, I'm excited right now because I want you to grab a hold of this because this is the key.

Releasing Old Wounds To Be Filled

Donald E Coleman 16:05

Because I don't know about you. I recognize in my childhood, my mother operated in protective self that I now understand. And how it was when you were doing well, you got mama's love. When you were not doing well, or what mom considered well, mom was distant. But the moment you did something that brought you up higher, mom brought you in closer. And here's what it here's what it boils down to. Now I understand this now. I understand it was not mom. So I can release mom. I can't use mom's way of upbringing me, holding me captive while she's no longer here. Why? Because I'm beloved of God. I want you to get this because I am the beloved of God. And God is saying, if you let that go, I can fill you. If you let what daddy did, I can fill you. If you let whatever else happen, the trauma, the wound, if you're letting it go or you let it go, let me come in and feel it. Let me do this divine surgery. Let me reshape your heart. Let me form your heart. Let me allow you to experience what the true essence of the love of God is. If you were hurt by the church or hurt by somebody in the church, bring that wound to God and let it go. And allow God to be the one, the God that I'm talking about. I'm talking about Jesus. I'm talking about the God of love, not the people who represented God. I'm talking about God, your eternal father, that wants to have communion with you in Christ Jesus and through the sustaining power of the Holy Spirit. I just want you to get this because the key here is the parent that starts to do this work and starts living from this, and the child starts to hear the first voice of their of speaking their belovedness over them without condition. And here's the thing it's not gonna be perfect. And it's not gonna be without interruption, and it's not gonna be without interruptions of their own womb showing up because we don't live outside of the protective self all the time. Sometimes we fall into it, but here's the key but it'll be consistently enough, it'll be consistently enough, and with enough return, enough keep going back, and when they get it wrong, enough letting it go. That child can internalize something that the protective self could never transmit. That child can internalize the experience of being loved before they accomplished anything. I just want you to get this. This is it, y'all. This is this is it. This is it. This is how we make an impact on the next generation. And if anybody else, yeah, let me speak to the school teachers that are there now, no matter what grade you are. Allow yourself to become the vessel of God, become that that vessel where God can fill you to the brim and show up in the classroom and allowing a God pow to flow out of you. Allow God to become the sustainer of what you need, not the policies. Come on now. God is bigger than a policy, He needs vessels. Those that are working in the nurseries or in childcare facilities, allow this love, allow the love of God to become you by first identifying that you are the beloved of God, and then allowing yourself to be formed and shaped through kinosis, through willingly letting go when things are not the way that you think they're supposed to be, and willingly keep coming back to God, saying, I'm your beloved, I'm your beloved, willingly saying, Not my way, but your way, not my will, but your will be done. I just want you to get this now.

What Agape Parenting Looks Like

Donald E Coleman 21:06

What does a ga pow look like in parenting? You ready? I'm gonna give you just a couple of little things here. It looks like the parent who can separate a child's behavior from the child's worth, who disciplines with firmness and tenderness simultaneously, never using love as a reward or its withdrawal as punishment. Oh, I want you to get this. Just let that simmer. Never using, you got it, never using love as a reward, or its withdrawal as a punishment. Because here's what I want you to know God never did it to us. We might have perceived it or we might have thought it, but that was not agape. Let me give you something else. Here's another one. It also looks like the parent who can apologize to their child. Yes. And genuinely without a clarification or a qualification. Because their identity is not threatened by the admission of failure. I don't have a problem admitting I was wrong or I got it wrong. Why? Because I'm not vested in the answer, vested in my child. It also looks like the parent who is genuinely present. Oh, please get this. Managing, I mean, not managing the child from a distant, not performing parenthood for an audience, but actually there in the room, in the conversation, in the ordinary moments that the child will carry with them for the rest of their lives. And I want to say this because I think we all go through this. And part of it operating in my protective self, I took on the role of provider, as hyperachiever, as the overcomer. So I was working, working, working. Everything I did was just part of work because I wanted my kids to have what I didn't have. I wanted my kids to be able to play sports that I didn't have the opportunity to play sports. I wanted them to be able to dress well or do whatever needed to be done, all of this materialistic crap. And when we got together, I was always on my phone. I was never present with them, never present in the house. I was there in body, but I was never there fully listening. And this is what I'm talking about right here. It's being genuinely present, listening with your whole body, your whole soul, and everything and every fiber of your being, not pretending to be listening, but to be there with them at all times. That is the key. Because there's one thing I know for sure. Your child will remember that years later. And I will never forget the words that my daughter said to me while doing COVID. I will never ever forget them. My daughter said to me, she said, It's great, it's good to have you back, Dad. And I go, What do you mean? She goes, Dad, you were you were here, but you were never present. And now that you don't have this job and you're here with us, you are present. My dad is back. And it just dawned on me that, whoa, all the stuff, all the hard work that I was trying to work for them, that's not what they wanted. They wanted me. They wanted me physically present with them. And that's something that each one of us is going to go on a journey to learn what it means to be present for those that we love. Now let's move on.

Choosing Friends Without Needing Safety

Donald E Coleman 26:22

Not quickly, but let's just transition into Agapow and friendships. Because this is another big one. Because the key is friendships is not as impactful as it is being family. But yet we have some friends that are closer to us than families. So I want you to start thinking about friendships because friendships is the relationships we choose, which means it is also the relationship most acceptable to the protective self's terms. See, family you didn't choose. Family you inherited. Friendships you choose. And here's one of the things that we need to understand when you when you see it from the protective self, because we tend to choose friends who affirm what we need affirmed. Who asked nothing that exposes our wounds or traumas, and who participate in the unspoken agreement. I just want you to think about that. It's never discussed, but it's always present. See, a ga pow in friendship is the disruption of that agreement. And you'll know it because you you're starting to hear me talk, but you are actually going through mentally really fast. You just went through your list of friends. So a ga pow in friendship is the disruption of that agreement, not through forced vulnerability or engineered depth, but through the natural overflow of a heart that has been held long enough by the father that it is no longer needs its friendship to be safe. See, when you get to that place where you no longer need that friendship to be who you truly are, that's a sign that a GAPO is flowing in that relationship. Why? Because it can afford to be present to another person's real need, their real struggle, their real darkness without managing the encounter from behind the glass of the protective self. This is what I want you to get. This is the key.

Jesus Wept As A Friendship Template

Donald E Coleman 29:41

Everything about this is where it is, because the key here is let's use John 11 as a template because I want you to see how Jesus showed up here. Because it's important for us to see this. Jesus shows up in this way. Let me give you a highlight and then I'll possibly go back and read this. But John 11, because Jesus did not arrive, he didn't go to Lazarus' tomb with solutions. He didn't manage the grief from a spiritual distance. He saw Mary weeping, and he groaned in the spirit and was troubled, and then he wept. Are you ready for that? That's the key. Cause verse four says, When he heard this, Jesus said, This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for the glory, for God's glory, so that God's Son may be glorified. Want you to see this now. And as he comes down, he explains more. And here, and I want to get to verse, I think it's 17, because I think that's where the key is. Here it is, right here, verse 17. You ready? It says on his arrival, on Jesus' arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. And I shared about why that's important. Because after four days, it there's no hope of it being resurrected. That's another point there. Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. Verse 20, it says, When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. Lord, Martha said to Jesus, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give him, give you whatever you ask. And Jesus said to her, Your brother will rise again. And look at Martha's response. Martha responded, I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day. That ties in to the fourth day. Jesus said to her, No, I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die. And whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this? Want you to get it now. It's just beautiful. I want you to get it now. Then we drop down to verse 32. I'm just kind of jumping through this. When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet. Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. Where have you laid him? He asked. They replied, Jesus wept. Did you hear this? Verse thirty-five. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, See how he loved him. I want you to grab that because that's important. See how he loved him. And now when we're talking about it, we just saw that it says Jesus did not manage the grief from a spiritual distance. He saw Mary weeping, and he groaned in the spirit and was troubled. And then he wept, fully present, fully moved, not consumed, but also not hidden. This is what Agapitan carries into friendships: the capacity to be genuinely moved without being swept away, to sit with someone in the dark without needing to turn on a light before they are ready. It means being able to remain present and not trying to take on the burden yourself. And here's another key here: the world is starving for friends who will stay. Not because they have resolved their own need to leave, but because they have seen filled with a love that is larger than the discomfort of remaining. Let me say this one more time. The world is starving for friends who will stay. Not because they have resolved their own need to leave, but because they have been filled with a love, and we know what that love is, that it is larger than the discomfort of remaining. Now let's talk about, we talk about friendship, so let's tie this in to agape and conflict.

Conflict Reveals Escalation Or Withdrawal

Donald E Coleman 36:27

We all have a disagreement or whatever it is, because conflict is the arena where the protective self most dramatically reveals itself if we're paying attention, and where agape is most clearly distinguished from its counterfeits. So you get the tension present in the conflict. See, because the protective self in conflict has two primary strategies. The first is escalation. What does that look like? Fighting to win, to be right, to protect the identity that feels threatened. Think about it. Fighting to win or arguing to win, arguing to be right, arguing to protect the identity that feels threatened. I want you to get this now because it's usually followed up with, well, what you said to me hurts. What you said to me is not true. That's not how I am. Notice fighting to win, to be right, to protect an identity. And the second here, the second strategy is withdrawal, going silent, going cold, and creating distance as a form of self-protection. Now, I want to pause for a moment because what I want you to do is I want to think, I want you to think about how you show up. Have you noticed the protective self showing up in this way, or yourself in your protective self showing up this way? Same way at that work, right? The big one is distance, the withdrawal or going silent. Slowly, no more texts, no more. What's up? How you doing? All of these things is the same point, same strategy, and it's to protect yourself. It's not who you truly are. But now you can recognize it, and you can use kinosis to let go and to show up and be present and be in the moment. And it may hurt and it may sting, but knowing every time you let go and you show up in the moment, go back to the present moment with them, God is present with you, not by yourself. Because here's the key both of these strategies are expressions of the same womb, an identity that is not yet secure enough to remain present in disagreement without feeling extensively threatened. You catch that? We've been there. I know I've been there. And I've I see this more like from a boss relationship or someone like that I've trusted. Maybe they have become like a friend, and then something happens and you kind of see it, and it's like, oh man, what's up? But all the time it was me, wasn't them. God was showing me, say, handing me the mirror and say, look in the mirror. Because the key here is when I say agapao in conflict does not mean the absence of disagreement, the suppression of a legitimate grievance, it doesn't mean that, or the performance of peace that is not yet real. Doesn't mean any of those things. It means the ability to remain, to stay in the room, to stay in the conversation, to stay present to the other person as a person, even when they are doing, I mean, even when what they are doing or what they are saying is genuinely wrong or genuinely painful. I just want you to get that. Cause in Matthew 18, 15, it says it this way: it says, if your brother or sister sins against you, go to them, not go silent, not go rehearse the offense to everyone else, not wait for an apology before you resume the relationship. Go. This is a God and conflict, the active, willful, costly movement towards the person rather than away. Can I give you another example really quick because I think this is a beautiful one? This is Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane coming to the place and saying, Not my will, but your will be done. But asking the question first, is there any other way, Father, that this cup can be taken from me? And then he goes, Not my will, but your will. And is the consistency of walking towards the cross, not away from it? And here's the key. This willful, active, costly movement towards the person rather than away from them, this is only possible from agapitos, from our belovedness, because the person whose identity is not contingent on being right, on being validated, or having the offense acknowledge that person can go towards rather than away, because they have nothing existential to lose in the going. Now, what does agape look like in conflict?

Practical Moves For Agape Conflict

Donald E Coleman 43:52

I want to give you practical stuff. It looks like the person who can say I was wrong and mean it without immediately following it with, but you also I was wrong. Nothing else. It looks like the person who can hear you hurt me. And receive it without collapsing into shame or erupting into defensiveness. Because their worth is not located in being the person who never hurts anyone. Here's another one. It also looks like the person who can set a boundary. Clearly, calmly, without cruelty, because boundaries from agapitos are not walls built from fear. They are fences built from love. They protect both people in the relationship. And it looks like returning, returning, returning. Not because the offense did not matter, but because the relationship matters more than the offense. And because the love that makes the return possible, agape, is not being generated by human will. It is being drawn from a jar or from a vessel from you that has been filled to the brim.

A Breath Prayer Toward Repair

Donald E Coleman 46:08

Now, let's rest for a moment. I'm not going to do a lot on this. These are the two I'm covering: parenting, relationships, and then I threw in conflict because here's the key. Let's take a moment to rest here. And is there a conflict in your life right now? A relationship with an unsolved wound, an unspoken grievance, a silence that has lasted longer than it should. Whether beloved self is being invited to go towards rather than away. That's the empathy. That's what God is here doing. Not to perform reconciliation. Hear me, please. Not to suppress the pain, but to make the movement from fullness, from a heart that has returned to the Father and received enough that going towards the feeling makes it possible. Let me say this again. But from a heart that has returned to the Father, and I'm going to say, and stayed there long enough to be able to receive enough that going towards or moving towards feels possible. You'll know it. And this is the invitation of what we've been inviting to. God is inviting you into presence. Why? Because He wants to heal you, but also heal others through you. So now let's take a moment. Take a deep breath in. Just breathe in. Let it out. Breathe in one more time. Let it out. And remember, every time you breathe in, you're breathing in the love of God. And every time you exhale, you're exhaling the love of God. So on this breathe in, I am held in a love that is larger than this conflict. Hold. Breathe out. And from that love, I can go towards rather than away. Let's try that again. We could slow it down. Breathe in. I am held in a love that is larger than conflict. Hold. Hold now, let out. And from that love, I can go towards rather than away. And just use that rhythm. All right, that's all I'm going to cover

Takeaways And What Comes Next

Donald E Coleman 49:33

in this one. In the next episode, I'm going to talk about Agapau and rest, because I think that's the key. And then I'll talk about the rhythm that sustains it all. But here's what I want you to take away from this: parenting, friendships, and in conflict. What's God revealing to us? And in all things, God can work together for good for those who love God and are called by his name. Well, we already know that you're called, and we already know that you're loved, that you love God, because you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't have a desire for God. So what have we covered now? In the last two episodes, we've covered, right? A ga pow at work, a ga pow in marriage, a ga pow in parenting, a ga pow in friendships, and a ga pow in conflicts. We're covering the dailiness of life. And until next time, stay the course and keep living daily for Christ.