Donald E Coleman 0:21

All right, welcome back. Welcome back. And I'm excited that we are going to pick right up, right where we left off. And in the last episode, I did a complete breakdown on the protective self and the beloved self, giving you the definition and the whole nine on this one because it's going to be important as we go through

Picking Up The Core Framework

Donald E Coleman 0:43

this. And now I want to focus on how the protective self operates in human love. And let me explain to you what I mean by human love, because over the last six years I've been on this, I would say an amazing spiritual journey, but amazing is not, is the word is not enough. So in believe it was September. No, actually it was, yeah, it was September or October. It was October or November of 2021. And this is after the death of my eldest daughter. And I was taking a course, it was a practicum course for my coaching program. And in that course, we had to coach other people. And I'm what I'm about to reveal to you is personal,

The Moment Love Got Reframed

Donald E Coleman 1:46

but it's it's what happened and it's truth. So deep down inside of me, I had unaware hidden biases. I was using my faith as a way to keep people arm's length away or at a distance. Right? So if you didn't believe the way I believed, if you didn't carry yourself the way I believe that you needed to carry yourself, we we could be associates, but I wouldn't allow you to come in close. And as we were in this practicum class, we had to write, there was an assignment given. And in that assignment, I it was about guiding principles. There were eight or nine guiding principles. And the first guiding principle is that we all have something in common. And I needed to write about that. And as I was pondering on this guiding principle, the words that I heard changed my life. And this is and it started me on this journey. And what I heard was, we were created by love to be loved and to love others. Now I I want you to think about this now. I'm I'm doing an assignment, and the guiding principle is actually, I'm going to read the guiding principle. I just pulled it up. It says, People have something in common. And the second part of that guiding principle is re-return to the common ground of being by loving, honoring, and valuing self and others. Now, I want I want I want you to understand how God can move through any situation or circumstance. If you don't allow, if you don't limit God, God can do whatever is needed to be done. He can get you whatever you need where you need it, anytime, anywhere, and through whatever vehicle. It doesn't matter because everything that's on the earth, God has access to to bring change in us if we're willing to understand that. Right? Because the understanding was is that inside of me, I was attempting to love people, not in a negative way, but I was loving people based on my own understanding, or from a human love perspective. So I was giving out love based on what I had, conditional love, right? So you had to meet the requirement in order to get this love, or in order for this love to flow out. And that started this journey. And when I got to, it was, I think it was March or April. No, it was it was July of 2025. It's been a year now. And what I heard in the Holy Spirit, what the Holy Spirit said to me in July of 2025, he said, We were created by agape to be agape and to agape others. And I am like, whoa, what is that? Right? Because I understood agape as to be the unconditional love. But at that moment, I want you to get this now. From 2021 to 2025, four years later, God has been walking me through this process and showing me in all that I was doing how I was operating from a human love perspective. And he shared with me that you can know basically that you can no longer operate in human love. Because when we attempt to operate in human love and say that we love God, we're we're misrepresenting the agape of God. More on this will show up. But I'm gonna fast forward and I want you to understand. So it went from we were created by love to be loved and to love others, to we were created by agape to be agape and to agape others. And now, over the last year, what transpired out of that is the four movements of divine love. It is we were created by agape to be the agape tos, to be formed and shaped into agape that agape may flow out of us. Now, I want you to see this because as I'm talking to you right now, it's just blowing my mind that this started in 2021. And this five-year journey has brought me, six-year journey has brought me to this place of truly understanding that for me and for all of us that are humans, the desire is for God to use us as a vessel, as a container, because we already carry the Spirit of God with us, the Imago Day. And that vessel now is to be cleansed or cleaned out or formed and shaped. That's the process of Igape Tan. And that process is never ending. As long as we're on this earth, God, the Holy Spirit is working in us and through us to form and shape us so that we may be filled with the power of agape. So whatever is inside of us or and whatever we tend to attach ourselves to or hold on to, the Holy Spirit is constantly working with us to loosen that grip so that those attachments can't hold on to us. And I'm using the term attachment because I think it's important to recognize what it is. And I want you to think when you think about an attachment, I want you to think about barnacles, how they attach themselves to the bottom of boats and vessels. And eventually what happens is

Attachments That Weigh Us Down

Donald E Coleman 9:22

what? They weigh down the vessel, and the vessel can still operate, but now it has to exert more energy. And before you know it, that energy that it's exerting, they don't even realize that it's not their beloved self operating anymore. They completely have been operating from a protective self. So in this episode, I said all this because what I want to focus on is how the protective self operates in human love. Because here's the key the protective self does not announce itself, doesn't let us know. And here's another it does not say to us, hey, I'm about to love this person in order to feel worthy. It operates through patterns that feel virtuous on the surface, but carry a hidden course, a cost beneath. You see, so what I was doing, unbeknownst to me, the blind spot, I was loving people from a conditional perspective. I was passing on how I receive love to others. Even as a born-again Christian, I was doing this. But God is saying, no more. The tsunami of agape that is happening in the world today, God is going in. If we are willing, if we continuously keep our attention on God and be intentional about our walk with God, the Holy Spirit is coming in and he is doing a work. And that work is about expansion and cleaning us up that we may carry the agape of God to the world. So, in this, I want to basically I'm gonna name several of these patterns, and I want to put a warning right now because it's not to produce self-condemnation or condemnation at all, but it's to create recognition. This is the key now. The first principle in the framework of understanding this is to reflect and recognize R. Because if you can reflect or recognize what is happening, you have the capacity now to take ownership.

Reflect, Own, Then Let Go

Donald E Coleman 12:19

And once you take ownership, that part of that ownership is letting go. So that's what I mean when I'm talking about rooted. It is reflect or recognize O for ownership, and then the other O is for overcome. That is not our work, our work is participation. Remember in the last episode, I talked about we are co-laborers with Christ, and for us to be able to go out, we have to first be equipped. Look at the Bible, y'all. It doesn't change. Jesus sent out the disciples first, right? They went out, he gave them the authority to go out, they came back. Then he sent the 70 out, they came back. But they had what? The authority. And what happens in our walk every day, there's a work that's being done in us, and most of the time we're uneven, we're eat we're unaware of what that work is. I like it to say it this way. You remember when Jesus was talking to the the scribes and the Pharisees, and he he said to them, You are like white sepulchres, or you're like the capes that are beautiful on the outside, but are are nasty and dirty on the inside. Or he said, Who drinks from a cup and does not clean the inside? You see, the key is that we can become all shiny on the outside and be operating in the in the protective self and not know it, but God does. And if we're willing and able, we're going to learn and see how this can all change. So let me repeat this now because recognizing is the first step. Because here's the key. Once you can recognize, you can name it, and naming it is the beginning of freedom. That's where ownership comes in. So ownership and in ownership you name, and in the naming comes freedom. Why? Because you you take ownership, you name, you let go, and there's freedom. Notice Matthew 11, 28. All those who are heavy burdened, come unto me, for my yoke is easy and my burdens are light. And that's the key. It's all around us, y'all. I just want you to understand everywhere we go, the spirit of God is right there. And I want to challenge you. If you haven't been, let's start walking in the spiritual discipline of watchfulness. That means you're you're watchful of how you show up, but you're also watchful on what's going on within. Internally, what's happening when you're in situations or circumstances? And how does your attention, how does it shift, or how is your attention moving in circumstances or situations? All right. So here's here's pattern number one. Let's just break this down loving to be needed. I'm gonna just let that settle. Because this pattern presents as generosity and helpfulness. The person is always available, always given, always the first

Pattern One Loving To Be Needed

Donald E Coleman 16:38

to step up when there is a need. But underneath that availability is a quiet, desperate dependence on being indispensable or the need to be needed. When their help is not needed, when someone else steps in, when the person they serve grows independent or no longer needs them, they feel unsettled or frustrated, and sometimes even perhaps resentful. The signature of this pattern, watch this now, is this love that subtly maintains the dependency of the other person, because if the other person no longer needs them, the protective self loses the very thing it's been using to feel secure. Just let this settle. Because here's the key: the beloved self doing, by contrast, actively wanting the other person to grow. You see what I'm saying? To become independent, to need less help over time, because its security is not located in being needed, it is located in being loved, or let me say the the principle, and being the agapetos. See, here's another one, and I and I want to point out in this one because this loving to be needed, you will find yourself in relationships, professional or personal relationships, and you're constantly trying to do for the other person. You're constantly doing for even the employer. You never, ever, ever say no. And then when they don't need you, you can feel resentment. It just starts to bubble up in you, or you get upset, or at one point or another, they might give an assignment to somebody else, and you'll see that ugly self show up, and you're like, where's this coming from? Or you have invested so much time in a relationship. That's how you look at it, right? You've invested so much time in a relationship, and then when it doesn't seem to go where you want it to go, resentment shows up. And in some cases, it might even be anger. That's not you at your core, that's the protective self trying to hold on to a false sense of security, and it's also it operates in a mindset of scarcity because it doesn't believe that there's going to be more coming or there is enough for everyone to receive. And that's where the understanding of agape changes everything because agape is inclusive and agape is transformational and it is always seeking and pursuing us. I want you to grab that. Now, pattern number two. Here's the key here it's loving to be seen. Now, this pattern presents itself as I want you to see this now, as servant leadership and public ministry, or it even happens in our personal life and it happens

Pattern Two Loving To Be Seen

Donald E Coleman 21:01

at work. You're doing something to be seen. You see, it doesn't matter that it's in the church. The protective self, yeah, it wants to do stuff in church because it gives us a false sense of security. But it also operates in our professional life. And another thing, let me say this now. If you stay on this journey long enough, God will reveal to you how you have compartmentalized your life. Personal, professional relationships, this, that, however you want it. And then as you continue on this journey, what you will begin to notice is that each one of those walls that compartmentalize part of your life will begin to go away. It will be slowly removed because here's the point there is no compartmentization in our lives. We live one life. But that's how the protective self actually gets security by blocking off aspects of who we are. And making us feel secure. I want you to get that. Feel secure, feel loved, feel like a sense of belonging. It's easy when it's compartmentalized. But God wants all of our lives. Got it? So let me just break this down for you. Let me finish here. So the person serves faithfully, shows up for work faithfully, is always in ministry faithfully. They're there every single day. Even when they're sick or not feeling well, they're still there. But they are most alive when serving is visible. You know it. It's like that, it's that inside of you, you're like, yeah, I'm good over here, but I like to be seen in what I'm doing. It's not a negative. It's just what's happening now is I'm revealing to you how the protective self has been operating. So they are quietly deflated. Listen to this now. Quietly deflated when their contribution goes unacknowledged. Have you ever noticed that? Do you see that within yourself or do you see that within others when you don't acknowledge what they're doing? There's a change in how they show up or how you show up. And here's another point. When this is being operated in this pattern, loving to be seen, people will struggle with bitterness when others receive recognition for work they feel they have done. They may even manufacture opportunities for their faithfulness to be noticed. See, here's the key. This is the pattern Paul identifies in First Corinthians thirteen. When he says that love does not boast, or let me put it this way: that agape does not boast. And agape is not proud. Boasting and pride are not random additions to the list. They are the protective selves way of managing the terror of being unseen. I just want you to catch this now because this is this is like incredibly powerful stuff. And I want you to just slowly sit with this. All that we're talking about is going in deep, and God is doing a work in us if we allow ourselves to stay in the presence of that work. And I'm just gonna do this. I'm gonna go to First Corinthians 13 and I want to read it for you because I want you to see this. We know this. This is this is considered the chapter of love. Right? So let me just read this. And it says, if I speak in tongues of men

Agape In First Corinthians 13

Donald E Coleman 25:51

or of angels, but I do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can phantom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Verse eight, love never fails, but where there is prophecy, they will cease, where there is tongues, they will be stilled, where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. And notice what Paul is saying here now. Let me finish this because I'm gonna read this finish. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a child. But when I became a man or mature, I put away childhood, I put ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror. Then we shall see face to face. He's talking about our transformation when Jesus comes. We will see. It says, now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known, agapitos. I want you to grab this now. And now these three faith, hope, and agape. But the greatest of these is agape. Now, I'm tempted to read this again and read to you the Greek word that flows in. But every time you saw the or heard the word love there, it was agape. The unconditional love of God is what Paul is saying here. He's not saying human love here. And in verse, let me see here. I think it is it's verse five and four, where it says, love is patient, love is kind. It wherever you read in 13, in this first Corinthians 13, wherever you see it, put in, just say, agape does not envy, agape does not boast, agape is not proud. So, in this very essence, you will see in this one chapter, Paul breaks down and shows us how the love of God flows, how the divine love of God flows in and through a person. And he's comparing it to human love. So let me let me finish pattern two. So here's the key now the beloved self-doing can serve in hiddenness. We don't need to be seen anymore, we don't need to speak anymore, we don't need to be heard. And here it can give without acknowledgement, it can work, or we can work without recognition. Love without an audience, because it has already been fully seen by the one who sees and matters most. I want you to catch that. It does not need the room's applause because it already received the Father's delight. Every time you start to think and you see this pattern showing up, all you have to come back and say is, I am the beloved of God. That's it. I am the beloved of God. And notice you're not trying to earn it. And notice beloved is past tense, it's been settled. It's never going to be. It's not I am being or I'm trying. I am the beloved of God. Now, pattern three, here's another one: loving to manage discomfort. Now, this one I want you to really pay attention here because this is going to reveal some stuff, and we're going to see it now. But I love what's going to happen after this. And I want you guys to send me some fan mail, let me know what showed up after listening to this,

Pattern Three Managing Discomfort

Donald E Coleman 32:14

because this pattern presents as peacekeeping, kindness, and flexibility. I would even go in there as being the savior. The person accommodates, adjusts, and absorbs rather than setting boundaries. Doesn't that sound like what? The pleaser, right? The pleasers here. They give because saying no produces a level of internal discomfort. Guilt, fear, fear of rejection, anxiety about conflict that feels unbearable. All this stuff, so it shows up in it. It says they give because saying no produces a level of internal discomfort. And here's what that discomfort feels like. I want to repeat this. It feels like guilt, it feels like rejection, it feels like anxiety about conflict. And it feels unbearable. They give their, I'm sorry, a person will give, their giving is not freely offered. It is extorted by their own discomfort. And this is this is it, man. We see this. Oh my goodness, do we see it? And this is also shows up when you don't want to have a difficult conversation or make the difficult call. And here's another one. And it's not just the pleaser, but here you'll see the avoider right here. So pleaser on one side and the avoider, they're still there. And then once you don't do it, the judge will come in and start to pound on you, asking you, why are you not doing this? Oh, what's wrong? Right? When something goes off, it'll come back and say, see, you are you you knew better. And then you're in this vicious cycle. So let me finish up. So this is one of the most common expressions of the protective self in a ministry context. Right. And I'm gonna go as far as saying, even in your professional life, it may not even, you don't even have to be working in the ministry or volunteering in the ministry, but this is one of the most common expressions of the protective self. And it produces some of the deepest exhaustion. It's there because this person is not giving from overflow. I want you to catch this now. Remember, I started out with human love, human effort, and then it went to divine love. So they are giving from a chronic depletion of self, motivated not by love, but by the avoidance of pain. I want this, I want, I want to sit in this one for a moment. I want you to just take a moment to sit here. Because it says not, they are giving from a chronic depletion of self. So you are you're putting all this extra effort in, but yet you as you're doing it, all of who you are is flowing out with it. But I want you to understand what God is saying to you right now. Because in our identity as the beloved self, and doing from the beloved self can say no without shame. It can set boundaries without guilt, it can disappoint people without losing its sense of worth. Because our worth or its worth is not located in the approval of those it serves or works for or are friends with or are in relationships with. The beloved self-doings, worth was spoken over us at the Jordan River in the same voice that spoke over Jesus. Go back and read it. Matthew 4. This is my beloved son, and who I am well pleased. This is my beloved daughter, and who I am well pleased. Now let me insert beloved. I'm gonna use the Greek word here just for the emphasis that you understand and know that it's divine. This is my agapitos son and who I am well pleased. This is my agape tos daughter, and who I am well pleased. So try that and just put your name in. I am the agape tos, right? And all you can say, this is my agape tost, and then put your name there, daughter. But make the scripture work for you because the scripture is talking to us the whole time, it's revealing to us who we are, and it's it's it's allowing us to see it, but now it's moving it from the pages into the heart where the Holy Spirit can do the work that changes everything. Now, here's another one. Pattern four, and we're almost done here. Pattern four, loving to keep a record. Oh, you know who you are, but it's time for us to recognize and take ownership. This pattern presents as faithfulness and loyalty.

Pattern Four Keeping A Record

Donald E Coleman 39:22

The person gives consistently. And I'm gonna say this: they give of themselves consistently, serves reliably, they're always there at work, at even in ministry, and in relationships, friend relationships, they're always there, and they remain there through difficult difficulties, right? But underneath the faithfulness is the internal ledger. They're keeping track, they're keeping track of what they have given or what has not been returned, of who has failed to reciprocate, of the ways they sacrifice, their sacrifice has gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Have you ever had someone say that to you? Oh, you don't, you don't, you don't appreciate me. Or they'll say, you you don't you don't appreciate what I do for you. And if you've heard yourself say that, it's okay. We're talking about recognize and ownership and then name it and let go. It all starts right here today. See, when the ledger tips too far, when the debt becomes too large, the resentment too heavy, this pattern produces one of two outcomes. You ready? Withdrawal or explosion. Two outcomes. Withdrawal or explosion. And either way, the relationship is damaged, and the damage traces back not to the other person's failure, but to the original wound. Love was never freely given in the first place, it was lent, it was given out as a loan with interest. But here's what I want you to grab a hold of this, because even in 1 Corinthians 13, so Paul says it this way, and as we read through it, Paul says, Agapow keeps no record of wrong. Right? A gap pow, so when you see there, it says it is easily angered, it keeps it, agapow keeps no record of wrong. Why is that agapow? Because when it starts to flow outward, when it becomes an active aspect of agape, it's agape. Think about that flowing out. See, this is not a moral achievement, it is the natural posture of a heart so filled with the Father's forgiveness with Jesus' love that it no longer needs to hold others to a debt. Release them because the beloved self knows that it too has been forgiven freely and freely it gives. See, one of those things I want you to really think about is holding on, attachment. Unforgiveness is an attachment. Resentment is an attachment, and all of these things over time wears you down. But here's what I want to, I want you to, I want you to get this picture from the barnacles, okay? Unforgiveness, resentment, anger, exploding, right? Withdrawal, all these are forms of attachment, but it's not just one time. So every time it happens, it's attaching itself to. You so you can imagine over time how all this weight that we began to carry. And imagine carrying that weight for ten, for fifteen, for twenty, for thirty, for forty years. What does that do to us? Just imagine that weight on you. Imagine the posture how instead of standing up straight, you begin to bend over. And I'm saying metaphorically, you're bending over. Now parts of your whole body is aching because you're carrying a weight that you were never meant to carry. As Jesus said again, he says, All you who are heavy laden, he said, Come to me. Come to me, all of you who are heavy laden. If you've been weighed down, come to me. Yes, come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Didn't stop there. He said, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. Now, this is all part of what transpires in the agape tan. He said, Learn from me, but watch this now. Look at the qualifications. For I am gentle and humble in heart. He's showing you what our hearts are going to look like. Gentle and humble means that he remains empty and open. And he says, and you will find rest for your souls. He said, For my yoke is easy, and my burdens are light. So I want us to pause right here. Let's just close our eyes. And if you're driving in the car, don't close your eyes, but just close your eyes for a moment.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

And let's just practice the discipline of stillness.

Donald E Coleman 47:00

Just

Stillness Practice And A Declaration

Donald E Coleman 47:01

allow God to speak to you in the inner room of your heart? Allow his presence to fill you from within. And as you're sitting there in presence, which of those four patterns do you recognize most in yourself? There is no shame in the recognition. Recognition is grace. The protective self has been doing it doing its best to keep you safe. The question is simply, are you ready to let Agape do that work instead? Now, as you breathe in, I want you to keep, I want you to, this is it. This is gonna be the breakthrough. This is the power on this contemporative pause. As you inhale, the protective self kept me safe for a season. On the exhale, agape is now my safety. I can rest. Let this be your declaration. The protective self has kept me safe for a season. But now agape is my safety, and I can rest. I pray that this episode has really, really touched you. Axie, yes, I know it has. And just allow this one to sit with you for a while. And as you're sitting with this episode, and whoever comes to mind with you, just share it with them. Just share, and then if you want, send us a fan mail where it just says, send us a message. Let me know the effects of what this message did for you. And until next time,

Share It And Send Fan Mail

Donald E Coleman 49:50

stay the course and keep living daily for Christ.