Series Recap And Where We Go

Donald E Coleman 0:22

All right, welcome back. And again, it's me, Donald E. Coleman. I'm here for you. I'm excited about where we are about to venture into. I the word is not excitement. Let me let me rephrase that. I'm being an expectation to see what is going to come forth out of these next couple of episodes. And I'm going to tell you now, I'm going to take my time. I'm not going to rush through these episodes because I don't, I honestly don't know what's going to come up in them. But I do want to make sure that I give everything I have in each one of these episodes. Because all that we've been talking about over the last 12 episodes, and we're in part four now. We're coming to the fourth part of this series. And just as a reminder, let me be before I go on, the the series title is Loved to Love, living the sacred rhythm of agape, agapitos, agapitan, and agapau. And it's what I've been calling as the four movements of divine love. And over the last 12 episodes, we've covered some amazing ground. We've seen agape in the language of the New Testament. 143 uses of the verb form of divine love. And we've seen it in the life of Jesus flowing from his settled identity as the agapitos through four specific movements of beloved self-doing. And I'm going to get more into this beloved self, and I want you to understand, I'm going to break this down for you. And it says, and we've seen it in the early church. Acts, Paul, John, and then in the last three episodes, we broke down Peter, all pointing us to the same truth. Love that is sustainable, transformative, and communal is always sourced from agape. And it flows from being, not towards it. It flows from within us out. And today we come to the insights that I've been building towards from the beginning of this series. And here's my warning because I want to approach this with great care. Because what I'm about to name is not a flaw to be ashamed of. And I know this because I live through this process. It is a wound to be

Protective Self Versus Beloved Self

Donald E Coleman 3:33

healed. We are going to sit down and sit directly with the distinction between protective self-doing and beloved self-doing. We're going to name how the protective self operates and where it comes from, what it costs us, and why the path out of it is never shame, striving, or more effort. Now, I'm calling it the protective self. If you have been following this podcast long enough, in last year, in about June or July, almost about a year ago, I shifted from using the false self, the flesh, the old man, and just really brought into the protective self because it defines exactly what this is and what is happening within us. So protective self, when I break it down, you understand. And then understanding how the protective self had a purpose. But that purpose, in most cases, has been fulfilled, but we still are holding on to it. And how living from our beloved self changes everything. Because here's the key the path out of the protective self is always the same. I want you to get this now. It is a path of return. And remember, I've been talking about the pause. The pause is the most powerful thing that we can do. Because before you can return, there has to be a pause. So I want you to grab this now. So the path of return, return to agape, return to agapeos, return to the voice that spoke over you before you ever learned to perform. You just caught it. I hope you got it. See, we learned to perform. It's not part of the nature, it's not part of our Amago day. It's not part of us being created in the image of God. It is a learned behavior. And here's the key: a moment of honest naming. And before we go any further, I want to create some space for honesty, not judgment. Honesty. How many of you have served in ministry until you are empty?

Honest Questions About Exhaustion

Donald E Coleman 6:45

How many of you have given generously, financially, emotionally, relationally, and found that the gift left you depleted rather than alive? How many of you loved people faithfully for years? And somewhere in the middle of it, you realize that what you were feeling was not joy, not joy of overflow, but exhaustion of obligation? How many of you have stepped into help not because you wanted to, but because you could not bear the discomfort of saying no? How many of you have loved in ways that were really at the root a way of managing how others see you or managing your own fear of being seen as not enough? Listen, if any of that resonates, please hear me clearly right now. You are not a bad person, there is nothing wrong with you. This is part of life's journey. You are not and have not failed as a Christian or even as a beloved. You are a person who learned somewhere along the way to love from the wrong place. And the wrong place has not chosen, was I'm sorry, the wrong place was not chosen deliberately, it was formed in us, often in the very environments that were supposed to teach us to love. And notice I'm using the word love here, and I'm not using agape because I want to understand that this is and was a human love. But as we accept our identity as the agape tos, agape begins to flow. See, we receive our identity, we don't earn it. Let me say that again. We receive our identity as agape tos or as the beloved. And whoever you are out there, I want to get this out right now. I'm asking as an ordained minister in the Christian faith, whoever you are listening to this, if you've been hurt, wounded by us, and I'm seeing

Receiving Beloved Identity And Forgiveness

Donald E Coleman 10:06

us as those in leadership in the church for getting for pushing belief before belovedness. I'm asking you to forgive us. Because for too long, we put a premium on what people believed versus who they were. We put belief before identity. And I believe this is what God is saying. This is what God desires to do. This is where agape is going in and restoring. And what you will understand is when I say protective self, even ministers and even priests and even nuns, every person that is of human descent can operate from their protective self. And many of us don't even know that we are doing it. You will hear words, well, I was triggered, or I, or this, I don't want to be heard again, or those different, those are all signs of the protective self forming within us. And it's important for us to recognize that it's important for us to look into the mirror through the lens of agape and acknowledge what is so that God can go and start to heal the root system. Remember, we are rooted and grounded in God's love. It's never going to change, it's never going to be taken from us. Agape pursues us. You can't. David said it this way. He said, Where can I go from your presence? I just want you to think about that. Let me put it this way: where can I go from agape's presence? There is not a place in the cosmos that we can go away from God's presence, from agape's presence, from love's presence. And I will see even more than presence, love's pursuing. We may not sense that agape is pursuing us, but every moment of every day, God is pursuing us for relationship. And if we have a relationship, he's pursuing us for more intimacy within the relationship. It is never, we never reach that point while we're on this earth. We will never ever reach the point where the relationship between us and God is complete. Because what did Paul say? He said, Who has known the mind of God? And in Ephesians, he prayed, he said, I pray that you may know the length, the breadth, the width, and the height of God's love. That is inviting us into something. And then in verse 20, right, Ephesians 3, 20, he said, now unto him, unto Christ, unto God, who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask, think, or even imagine. Because there is no end to the love of God. There's no end to the intimacy that God desires to have with each one of us individually and also as a body. Isn't this profound when you think about it? When you truly think about it, wherever you are, in church or not in church, in the faith, not in the faith, agape is pursuing you now. God desires, the creator of the universe desires to have relationship with you. An intimate relationship. Not, let me let me say this, not Philadelphia, not a brotherly love, an intimate, unconditional love relationship with each one of us. I want, man, this is so, this is incredible. And this is a message for us as a human race at this time where the noise of the world is trying to pull us apart, the tsunami of agape is drawing us together. For those who have ears to hear and eyes to see what the Spirit of God is doing. So let me come back here now. Listen, and I said, here's the key we are not a bad person. I don't want to say you because it's we, because I have the same situation, I can function in the same thing. So we are not bad people, we have not failed as Christians. What transpired here, we are people who learned somewhere along the line to love from the wrong place, and the wrong place was not chosen deliberately, it was formed in us, often in the environments that were supposed to teach us love. I want you to see how I changed this because I'm not talking at you, I'm talking with you. I've walked through these steps. I've walked through this life, and I spent 20 years in silent frustration as an ordained minister. Having the protective self-voice speak to me and not understanding what's going on. Having the saboteurs keep strive pushing me like a hyperachiever, wanting to accomplish more and more and more in church and outside of church just to prove that I was enough, or constantly striving for something, not even knowing what the something was, and then being very critical, the stickler being very critical of myself and others. I want you to catch this now because this is what's transpiring. But here, agape is here to restore. So now watch this. I want to say this loud and clear to you. I want you to grab a hold of this. The protective self is not your enemy. I want you to understand that. We are not talking about a spiritual possession, we're not talking about a demonic possession, we're talking about a learned behavior, right? So here's the key the protective self is not your enemy, it was your protector, and it showed up when we were early, and it did the job well, and in some cases, extremely well for a season. Now, when I say season, that season could be five years, six years, seven years, eight years from birth to eight or whatever it is. And for some of us, we may still, right? It may still be there. But here's the key. But there is a fuller, freer, more alive way to love. And you're not loving out of yourself, you're being filled with the love of God. And that is what these next few episodes what we're gonna talk about. And remember, I talked about the six jugs. Man, it's profound the revelation that came out of those six empty jugs, jugs at the wedding in Cana. Designated for ceremonial purposes or for religious purposes. Those jugs were created to honor God. But yet at that time they were empty. They were supposed to be filled with water, but they were empty. Why? Because I believe that is a revelation for us to understand that there is a process that God will take us through and will allow us to walk through so that we can get empty. Empty of all the stuff, all the human stuff, that it can all be removed so that we can be empty and filled with agape. And that is living from the place of our beloved identity, agape tos. And that forming and shaping is what I've referred to as agape ton. And that is the place where God is forming and shaping in us and going in and removing and filling and removing and filling. And you'll start to notice this in your life where there's areas where you might have been struggling before. Now you're living from a place of agape tos in those areas, and others are seeing a difference. Here's the key you may not be the first to notice this shift. But if you've been walking with us in this podcast, and I'm gonna say over the last two years, your life has to be different. It can't be the same. Because what God is putting out and what's flowing out of here is ordained of God, and he's changing us one episode, one conversation at a time. And he's very patient with us. There's no pressure here, there's no striving here. Everything that is coming forth is coming forth in the spirit of agape. Now, where the protective self comes from, let's address this now because I want really to break this down. So the protective self doesn't emerge from nowhere. As I said before, it's formed carefully over time in

How Conditional Love Forms Protection

Donald E Coleman 21:48

response to specific experiences that taught us something about the condition of love. I just want you to understand this now. I can think of some right now, my goodness, that I just got triggered by this. Right? So when a child grows up in an environment where love feels conditional, that was me. Love was conditional. How well How well are you doing? Oh, you're doing good? Oh, lots of love. I'm not doing okay. Okay. Hey, how you doing? It felt distance. Right? So where love feels conditional, where approvals must be earned, where affection follows performance, and where belonging is contingent on behavior. That just said church, right? Most churches, you felt like you belonged on how you showed up. And how you showed up, first of all, began with what you were wearing or not wearing, and how you spoke. All of this had a factor into shaping. It was all developing in us these self-learned critical lessons. Right? And underneath it all, the silent message that was going on was I am not safe being loved for who I am. I am only safe being loved for what I do. See, and here's the thing, most of us, we can't remember when we were newborns or toddlers. Like, I mean, realistically, I don't remember when I was like two, three, four years old. I can remember from elementary school, but I don't remember being a little childlike. And here's the thing: I tell people this all the time. My dad passed away when I was 14 years old. I don't recall ever hearing, and I don't remember ever hearing my dad say to me, I love you. But I can recall every time he was upset with me. I can recall every time when I didn't do something the way that he wanted it to be done. Anger showed up, disappointment showed up, right? And here's the thing: I'm not mad at my dad. I realized as I got older, my dad was doing the best he could with what he knew. I didn't understand that when I was growing up, but as you mature, you understand that people truly are doing the best they can where they are. And this for me is important because part of that process of being able to see others were doing the best they can where they are is agape reshaping, agape going in and healing, agape releasing. That's the key. Because as long as I kept trying to do this on my own and to forgive and forget, right? That's what we said, forgive and forget, it never worked because I was carrying the baggages myself. But here's the key. That lesson, right? The childhood lessons that I am only being myself, like I'm only safe being loved for what I do. That lesson does not stay in childhood. It migrates into adult relationships, into vocational

When Needing To Be Needed Hurts

Donald E Coleman 26:33

identities, our jobs. Oh my goodness, does it go into jobs? Think about it from a professional standpoint when you meet someone first and foremost. What's the first thing they ask you? What do you do? And if not, what do you do? Where do you work? They're putting identity, vacational identity before who you are. And it even goes into spiritual practices, into the very way we approach God. And it expresses itself in a particular pattern of doing. And when I say doing, it's activity. It's how we the energy that we put into stuff. Right? So doing becomes constant activity, persistent helplessness or persistence, never being able to reach the point that you want to reach. So it's helplessness and the inability to rest. And here's another deep one about this one: a deep discomfort with receiving. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay, right? That's that's usually their oh, oh yeah, or somebody wants to give you a compliment. No, you don't have to, you don't have to. That's all that's all part of the protective self. And a chronic need to be needed. This is a big one. I want to make sure we get this. A chronic need to be needed. Where the fact that you need it, you've told yourself internally, and we've told ourselves internally that because we're needed, we're loved. They appreciate me, they like me. But then what happens? I want you to think about this. Think about all these things here, especially the chronic need to be needed. Because what happens from a vocational perspective when the job is gone and they don't need you anymore? How do you view life? This that's me in 2020, 20 years in an organization. Sacrificed my health, sacrificed my family for the organization. And when the bottom line meant more, I was out of a position. But here's the thing in God, that leaving that position was one of the most amazing spiritual things that has ever happened to me because it put me smack dab in the center of where God was, not where I wanted to be. I want you to grab a hold of that and think about another one, the need to be needed. What about kids when they grow up and they leave, and then you have no one there? All these things, the way we're viewing them has shaped us in a way on how we show up. And this, listen, this is the protective self at work. And here's the key it's not malicious, it's adaptive. It learned early that love is earned, not given. This is why so many people struggle with what Jesus has, the free gift of salvation. What do you mean, free? There is nothing free on earth. Yeah, it is. There is something free. God's love is always free and it has to be received. I want you to get that now. It's adaptive, the protective self is adaptive. It learned early that love is earned, not given. And here's the key. And it has been earning ever since. It stores up. And we get ourselves caught in this vicious cycle. And the other thing that's interesting about all this stuff, and I'm not going to go into it, but I can provide you more information if you want it. Just send me a message. More neuroscience is now proving all of this stuff. That what the apostle Paul was saying, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. When David was saying in the very beginning, he was saying, be still and know God. How all these,

Faith And Neuroscience Converge

Donald E Coleman 31:48

all the things that Christians were doing from the Hebrew scriptures all the way up, how it actually reforms our brain and reforms how we respond in situations. Isn't that incredible? Yeah, no, it's not incredible. It's God. And all of it's happening at a time that we're alive. This is what I've been calling the sacred convergence. All of this information is coming together for us to be able to see and know that God is God. So we must have the eyes to see it and ears to hear. We don't need to argue with psychology anymore. We don't need to argue with science. As the beloved and believers, let's honor it and call it sacred by using it to confirm what God has already done. How do you draw someone to you if we're constantly bumping heads? No, let's sit down and reason. I don't need to be right. The other person might be, but I don't need to be right. I'm secure in my relationship with my father. That's not going to change. That's why Paul asked the question: what will separate you from the love of Christ? At the end of the day, if you truly understand this, and by the by the time we get to the end of these episodes, my prayer is that you will have accepted and start to live in your beloved state, not from the protective self. And part of this is going to be becoming attentive to see how the protective self shows up and become watchful. These are all spiritual disciplines that has been in Christianity from the very beginning, that most of the time we don't even utilize it. But here's the key. That's okay. Now watch this now. So earning ever since. But the tragedy is not that it tries. The tragedy is that no matter how much it earns, it never feels like enough. Is anyone is is this driving with you? I mean, I want I want you to think about this. I'll share something with you. I went through coach training in 2020. In 2020, right? I started in November 2020. And I went through like 185 hours of training, practicums, studying,

Why Achievement Never Feels Like Enough

Donald E Coleman 34:50

and then I had to go through mentor coaching. I had to take 10 hours of mentor coaching, and then I had to take an exam to become a certified ICF coach. I did all of this work, and I got to the end and I got the certification. And I'm I'm kidding you not. The moment I got the certification, I said, Oh, that's good. What's next? And right then and there, I the Spirit of God spoke to me and says, It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. See, we can be so lost in getting to the destination that we fail to see how we are being shaped and formed in the journey. And that whole time frame, two and a half years, almost three years, God allowed me to stay in it and offered me love and grace while I was in it and taught me many things. But the defining moment was at the end. And that defining moment was the seed that God used to teach me to learn to stay in the present moment. We're talking about beloved self allows you to live from the present moment whether protective self has two objectives to take you to the past or to push you to the future. Now, again, the tragedy is no matter how much the protective self earns, it never feels like enough. Because the wound underneath the doing is not a wound that more doing can heal. It's not a wound that a title can heal. It's not a womb that salary, six figures or seven figures can heal. More clothes in the closet can heal. Driving the car of your dreams can heal. None of that. Or let me say this now. I'm gonna be I'm gonna be bold here, that even within a relationship, a human relationship can heal. No, because here's the key that we don't see. I brought my protective self into my relationship with my wife, and she brought her protective self into the relationship. And at times, my protective self triggered her, and her protective self triggered me. And it was only through the grace of God that we have been able to sustain and be married. And we just, we just, a big shout out, we just had our 39th wedding anniversary. And the beautiful thing about it is, through all of our ups and downs and in-betweens, right? We never stopped loving each other. And I will say that. And that all shifted after she and I got born again. Because before it was about what can I get? What can I get from her? What's gonna come out? What about me? What about me? And that all shifted when I became a believer. Right? Because here's the key. I'm gonna I'm gonna tighten this up and I'm almost done here, right? This is laying foundation for the next couple of scriptures, because I mean the next couple of sessions, because I'm not gonna run through this. And I remember because the wound underneath doing, or let me say doingslash achievements or striving or performance, all the same, is all wrapped up in there, is not a wound that more doing can heal. Only agape can heal it, only the love of God can heal it. Only the love that comes before doing that holds us before we perform, that cherishes us before we achieve, can finally give the protective self permission to rest. Notice, I didn't say kick it out. You give it permission to rest because it served a purpose, but you no longer need that purpose. Can you think of a verse? Think of one of the things that Paul said that's pretty powerful. No, actually, I don't think it was Paul, I think it was in Hebrews. And and all you Bible scholars don't get mad at me, right? But here's the key. He says, when I was a child, no, it's Paul. When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, I acted like a child. But when I became an adult, I put away childish things. That's what Paul is saying here. Childish things is living from the protective self. Living as a mature adult is living from your belovedness in God. And if you're not there, praise God for it. If you are there, praise God for it. Why? Because we never end in this. And if you're not there, everything is going to start to open up for you. I mean, you're going to start to experience things that's been absolutely incredible. And that for me is what power is. So now I want to just point out really quickly, I've done a lot of talking here, but I want to, I just want to end on this one. The root. I want to go to the biblical root and the birth of the protective self. And I think you all know where I'm going, right? But I want you to be able to see this in action. And the biblical root is in Genesis 3. Let me read it. And more particularly, verse 7.

Genesis Fig Leaves And God’s Question

Donald E Coleman 42:02

It says, Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked. So they sold fig leaves together and made a covering for themselves. Did you catch it? That's it. Protection. It shows up right there. Genesis three. As a result of what they did and the consequences of what they did, their eyes were open. Notice their eyes were open. Then the eyes of both of them, male and female, were open. That's right. Protective self is for humanity. And that's the key. Because the first act of the protective self in human history is recorded right here in Genesis chapter three, verse seven. Before the fall, Adam and Eve lived from pure agapitos. They were naked and unashamed. They were held entirely in agape, in the love that made them. Identity was not earned. Belonging was not performed. They were simply beloved, and from that belovedness they lived. The moment that changes is the moment they reach for something outside of what they had already been given. Seeking a self-derived identity, an identity secured by knowledge and achievement rather than received as a gift. Let me say that again. The moment that changes. Is the moment they reached for something outside of what they had already been given. Seeking a self-derived identity, an identity secured by knowledge and achievement rather than received as a gift. And in that reaching, something breaks. The shame that follows is not primarily about nakedness. It is about the sudden, devastating awareness that their identity is no longer held securely from outside of them. They must now manage it, protect it and perform it. Did you catch that? It's the devastating awareness that their identity is no longer held from outside of themselves. They must now manage it. Protect it and perform it. The fig leaves are the first act of the protective self doing in human history. They are the original performance, the attempt to manage exposure, to cover what shame has made vulnerable, to present a constructed self rather than receive the true one. And what does God do? Oh, I want you to get this. What is God's response? What did I say? Agape pursues. God comes looking for them. And the first question ever asked in the Bible is, Where are you? Notice it was not, what have you done? And that where are you was not a question that God needed an answer from. It was actually a question to allow Adam and Eve to reflect. So where are you? Is the question not because he does not know, not because God does not know, but because God is inviting them back. Do you understand the moment that transpired? Where are you? God is inviting them back into his presence, back into agapetos, back to the identity that was given before the reaching, before the shame, before the covering. This is agape that is pursuing. This is the first movement of the divine return in all of Scripture. And from that moment up until Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection, God was pursuing to repair the breach that he could have access and we could have access to him. Oh, I want you to get this. Let me finish up with this, and then we're going to do a reflective, I mean a contemporative pause. The protective self was born in the garden. And the invitation of the gospel from Genesis forward is the same. Come out from hiding. You are still beloved. The

Guided Pause With Breath And Truth

Donald E Coleman 48:40

covering was never necessary. Let me say that again. Come out from hiding. You are still beloved. The covering was never necessary. Yeah, I want you to pause on that. Take a couple of slow breaths. This has been a lot. I know this has been heavy, but I needed to lay this foundation for all those who are going to listen to this episode. I believe that this episode is going to change lives. And if you're listening to it and you can think of any name or any person that comes to you while you're listening to this, forward the episode to them. So now take a couple of deaths, a couple of breaths in slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. And remember, every time you breathe in, you're breathing in the love of God. Every time you breathe out, you're breathing out the love of God. Continue to breathe as you listen to this. What are your fig leaves? Not with shame. But with honesty. Keep breathing. What are the ways you have been managing your exposure? Performing your worth covering what shame has made you afraid to let be seen. And as you inhale, I want you to hear these words, and then you're gonna repeat it after me. I do not need to cover what God already sees. Inhale, I do not need to cover what God already sees. Breathe out. Inhale, I do not need to cover what God already sees. Now on the exhale, I am beloved before and beneath every performance. So let's try that all together in one shot. Inhale, I do not need to cover what God already sees. Exhale, I am beloved before and beneath every performance. And I pray that this foundation has been laid. So in the next couple of episodes, we're gonna go in a little bit deeper. In the next episode, I'm gonna begin and start with how the protective self operates in love. So until

Share This And Next Steps

Donald E Coleman 52:02

then, be blessed and stay the course.